just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
