Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
