So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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