My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
