so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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