There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
