im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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