The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
