If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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