your thong is hanging out like whoa
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
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