I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
