I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
