fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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