the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
