I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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