A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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