All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
