Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
