FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
