she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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