so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
