3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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