I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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