so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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