dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
