Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i already hear my dad disowning me
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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