fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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