im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I skipped work to stalk him.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
