toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she told me i tasted like america
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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