I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
