I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
