I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
