So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
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So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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