Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
