That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
