i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
