My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
