I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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