he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
soo... how was my night?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
