So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
