and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
