Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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