I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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