I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
