Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
