I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
