That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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