My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
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