Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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