Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We left the knife in your bed.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
