I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
