he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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