Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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