woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
