My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
