Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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