So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
