Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
