oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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