Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
