I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
