Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
