Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
