I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
